Laughing bird, high up in the tree, I think that I caught the gist of your feathered tail, but I did not catch your punch line.

Humor

Humor is a wonderful way to communicate an idea or just a feeling. It should NEVER be at someone else's expense, though. If you find anything offensive in this collection, please inform the webmaster.

Following is a collection of humorous bits that I have skimmed from the Internet, mostly from email. Most have anonymous authors as a consequence. I have taken the liberty to edit them. If the real author has an objection, I would love to hear about it, so that I can properly credit them for their material.

For a strange collection of answers for "Why did the chicken cross the road", please (click here).

Whale Bait

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

When the little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

Irritated, the teacher snootily asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you can ask him."

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The Face of God

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The child answered, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused, then said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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Grey Roots

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to the others on her brunette head.

The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mommy?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a child does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or be unhappy, one of our hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Mommy, what did you do to make ALL of grandma's hairs turn white?"

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God Is Watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. A nun had made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. There one of the children had written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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snow rules

Norman and Sara live in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman immediately goes out and moves his car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 cm of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman obediently goes out and moves his car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 cm of snow today. You must park..." then the electricity goes out.

Norman is very upset, and with a worried look on his face he says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

With love and understanding in her voice, like that exhibited by all people who are married to challenged spouses, Sara says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

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The New World Meets the Old

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud heading straight towards him. Pulling up beside the shepherd, the driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and YSL tie, leaned out the window. Without introduction he asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad with wireless-internet connection, then he surfed to a page on the NASA website where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Palm Pilot and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep".

"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

"OK, why not?" answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant", said the shepherd.

"That's correct!" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required", answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business… Now give me back my dog".

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Appearances Can Be Deceiving

A man was getting into the shower just as his wife was finishing up hers. Just then the doorbell rang. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gave up, quickly wrapped herself up in a towel and ran downstairs. When she opened the door, there stood Bob, their next door neighbor.

Before she said a word, Bob said, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman dropped her towel and stood there naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob handed her $800 and left.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wrapped back up in the towel and went back upstairs. When she got back to the bathroom, her husband asked from the shower, "Who was at the door?"

"It was Bob, our next door neighbor," she replied.

"Great," the husband said, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

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A Cold Winter

It was autumn, and the tribe on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he had been raised in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared, but after several days he got an idea. Being a practical leader, he called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be very cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you sure that it is going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the meteorologist again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" Absolutely," the meteorologist replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Native Americans are gathering firewood like crazy."

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Her Favorite Flower

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and Rita listened as the instructor declared: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury's all-purpose flour, isn't it?"

The rest of the evening was not very pleasant.

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